Saturday, October 29, 2005
Syawal

Syawal, Lebaran, Aidilfitri,
Gelaran yg diberikan menandakan tamat sudah sebulan berpuasa. Ramadhan berlalu menandakan kejayaan insan memenuhi tuntutan agama. Patuh pada arahan tuhan. Menahan lapar, dahaga dan segala macam nafsu dari terbit matahari hingga terbenam sang suria.

Kemunculan syawal seringkali disambut meriah. Hari dimana setiap anggota keluarga akan berkumpul. Yang muda akan cari yang tua. Pertalian silaturrahim dipereratkan semula. Saling kunjung mengunjung dan bermaaf-maafan. Pelbagai juadah tersedia dijamu bersama. Pakaian diseragam indah, rumah dihias megah. Itulah pengertian hari raya untuk sebesar golongan kita.

Tapi apakah pengertian syawal buat mereka yang tidak berkeluarga dan kehilangan yg tercinta? Apakah ia tetap semeriah yg kita raikan? Isteri kehilangan suami,anak kematian ibu, mereka yg sebatang kara, pada siapakah mereka akan menjamu bersama? Bersama siapa mereka menumpang bahagia?

Kedatangan syawal tidak selalu mengukirkan senyuman di setiap wajah. Tapi yg pasti kedatangan syawal membawa kesyahduan buat diriku. Setiap kali takbir bergema, satu demi satu, babak demi babak dari peristiwa silam akan terpacul dan bermain dalam kotak mindaku. Syawal terlalu berat dan besar sangat pergertiannya buat diriku hingga aku lebih suka memencilkan diri. Rentetan dalam hidup ku telah membuat diriku sedemikian.

Namun aku masih berharap. Moga sinar ramadhan yg berlalu pergi akan meninggalkan kesan dalam diri ini dan dari sinar itu benih kebahagiaan yg tersemat dalam akan mula berputik dan terus bermekar indah. Agar dapat dicantas hasilnya esok hari. Moga kedatangan syawal memberiku semangat yang baru...

Teman, rakan, sahabat dan semua insan yg aku kenali,
Sempena dibulan yg penuh pengampunan dan barokah ini, ingin sekali ku menyusun jari, memohon ampun dan maaf zahir dan batin. Andai terkasar bahasa, secara sengaja atau tidak, andai ter'cubit' hingga lebam, andai termakan coklat and jajan korang, andai ter'gossip' pada sesiapa ah dan apa apa yg sewaktu dgnnya... Aku memohon beribu-ribu ampun dan maaf.... Maaf zahir batin yer... n kalo senang tuh sudi ah mampir ke rumah...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Dalam yg Mendalam

Dalam lemahnya aku mengadu, betapa aku tiada termampu. Dia ciptaan bahkan milikmu, kembalikan hatinya kepada ketenangan disisimu.

Dalam bersabar diriku tercabar, dalam pengorbanan diriku terkorban, dalam tulus mencurah diriku kegersangan, dalam mengumpulkan keyakinan mengukir senyuman, diriku digores lagi dugaan di luar jangkaan.

Dalam senyuman ada tangisan, dalam keriangan ada rintihan, dalam coretan kekata tersurat, dalam nukilan makna tersirat. Dalam musibah tersemat hikmah, dalam keimanan tergugat terserlah rahmat. Moga terukir senyuman, hilanglah keresahan, lenyaplah kedukaan.

Ya Allah, betapa beratnya kesengasaraan yg aku rasakan. Ia bagai meragut keyakinan diri. Silap Yang kecil meruntuhkan segala menjadikan aku hilang arah tujuan. Wahai yg maha mengasihani, sekalipun seluruh dunia menghina aku, Dikau terimalah aku seadanya. Kecacatan diri ini sempurnkanlah. pertemukan dia dengan ketenangan dan pimpinan tanpaku...

*life is such a big mystery... alot of hidden stories... renungkanlah usah termenung..

Thursday, October 06, 2005
warkah

Dear You who truly Listens.
I wonder what Your intentions are putting me through this. Nonetheless, I wish to train my heart in believing that You always mean the best.You always have. Having to baik sangka with You is no easy task,You know that. You put me through a lot of pain at times--- actually most of the time, and maybe that is exactly what You want me to feel.

Sometimes, what looks bad to me may look good to You. i guess. for example, Pain. However, i am thankful to be ever put in situations like this. Dilemmas and tribulations always succeed in making my heart probe within in order to find what i believe in most, because that is the only thing that ceases to fail me. only, sadly, i fail You most of the time. I falter,i fail to understand the art of Your work.

All i see are empty promises and shattered dreams. i tend to give up,when giving up is actually one of the worstest sinful acts any creature can ever make. I guess, in the end ,it all comes down to searching myself, whether i am able to believe, whether i have finally learned to trust and learned to love those around me with sincerity. Which makes me feel even more blessed because i am on my way to understanding why You ever created Doubt,Regret, Forget, and Remember, among other beautiful things.

As i speak, it embarrases me at how vulnerable i sound. but, again, that is probably exactly what u want me to feel. Because when i admit my weakness , i actually become brave. i address it instead of pushing it aside like a coward. i know You hate cowards.Which, again ,makes me feel ever so blessed that You created Courage,Fear and...Understand. Understand and I met several times, only I have refused to make friends with it with the existence of Doubt always gettin in the way of our potential friendship.

And i have a question to ask You.Why, do people often find themselves losing out to a certain competition in their subconscious? i certainly encounter that at times, teary-eyed. why,do we fail to realise that those who win are those who are able to accept? not those who are most well-known,most mentioned or most intelligent or most beautiful. why did Doubt had to have a cousin named Insecure? and why did Insecure had to have a twin named Pride? We diss people for not being genuine,we hate people who are insecure. yet,we fail to look into the mirror to realise that we ourselves are still struggling to be genuine, and still trying very hard to not be insecure, to be true to ourselves, to be true to You.

We pretend that the human spirit is self-existent, that we can be strong by ourselves, without having to confide in You. why do we keep forgetting that even when we do find strength, it ultimately comes from You? When i cry to You, asking for answers, You make me cry even more. I am beginning to understand now. You want me to keep coming back to You, because You deserve my every attention. and You do not want me to worry about tomorrow because You are already there. Please forgive me for being such a disappointment most of the time. I deliberately become emotionally-detached from You sometimes. and then guess who's the one suffering?

In the end,when we finally meet, it all comes down to just me...and You. without all these problems. and i will have to answer to You whether these problems have made me more aware of You, or the other way round.that is exactly what i am afraid of.still, i pray for a certain assurance that You will help me every step of the way. please do. please don't let me fail You over and over again.

* emel dari naurah yg dikirim oleh seorg insan yg amat bererti dalam hidupnya... sebuah warkah yg amat mendalam isi kandunganya dan perlu dikongsi bersama agar kita sedar yg kita tidak hidup didunia ini bermandiri...