Thursday, October 06, 2005
warkah

Dear You who truly Listens.
I wonder what Your intentions are putting me through this. Nonetheless, I wish to train my heart in believing that You always mean the best.You always have. Having to baik sangka with You is no easy task,You know that. You put me through a lot of pain at times--- actually most of the time, and maybe that is exactly what You want me to feel.

Sometimes, what looks bad to me may look good to You. i guess. for example, Pain. However, i am thankful to be ever put in situations like this. Dilemmas and tribulations always succeed in making my heart probe within in order to find what i believe in most, because that is the only thing that ceases to fail me. only, sadly, i fail You most of the time. I falter,i fail to understand the art of Your work.

All i see are empty promises and shattered dreams. i tend to give up,when giving up is actually one of the worstest sinful acts any creature can ever make. I guess, in the end ,it all comes down to searching myself, whether i am able to believe, whether i have finally learned to trust and learned to love those around me with sincerity. Which makes me feel even more blessed because i am on my way to understanding why You ever created Doubt,Regret, Forget, and Remember, among other beautiful things.

As i speak, it embarrases me at how vulnerable i sound. but, again, that is probably exactly what u want me to feel. Because when i admit my weakness , i actually become brave. i address it instead of pushing it aside like a coward. i know You hate cowards.Which, again ,makes me feel ever so blessed that You created Courage,Fear and...Understand. Understand and I met several times, only I have refused to make friends with it with the existence of Doubt always gettin in the way of our potential friendship.

And i have a question to ask You.Why, do people often find themselves losing out to a certain competition in their subconscious? i certainly encounter that at times, teary-eyed. why,do we fail to realise that those who win are those who are able to accept? not those who are most well-known,most mentioned or most intelligent or most beautiful. why did Doubt had to have a cousin named Insecure? and why did Insecure had to have a twin named Pride? We diss people for not being genuine,we hate people who are insecure. yet,we fail to look into the mirror to realise that we ourselves are still struggling to be genuine, and still trying very hard to not be insecure, to be true to ourselves, to be true to You.

We pretend that the human spirit is self-existent, that we can be strong by ourselves, without having to confide in You. why do we keep forgetting that even when we do find strength, it ultimately comes from You? When i cry to You, asking for answers, You make me cry even more. I am beginning to understand now. You want me to keep coming back to You, because You deserve my every attention. and You do not want me to worry about tomorrow because You are already there. Please forgive me for being such a disappointment most of the time. I deliberately become emotionally-detached from You sometimes. and then guess who's the one suffering?

In the end,when we finally meet, it all comes down to just me...and You. without all these problems. and i will have to answer to You whether these problems have made me more aware of You, or the other way round.that is exactly what i am afraid of.still, i pray for a certain assurance that You will help me every step of the way. please do. please don't let me fail You over and over again.

* emel dari naurah yg dikirim oleh seorg insan yg amat bererti dalam hidupnya... sebuah warkah yg amat mendalam isi kandunganya dan perlu dikongsi bersama agar kita sedar yg kita tidak hidup didunia ini bermandiri...